For those of our readers who think I made up the town of Mattawamkeag, because who would have picked such a weird name for a town, I offer these untouched photos which have been checked for authenticity by our independent fact checker, Dr. Theodora Edison-Peacock. As you can see it is a prosperous and congenial place.

If you think Mattawamkeag is weird, there's a town down the river a bit called Passadumkeag. A lot of people think these are charming Native American names meaning things like " where beaver slap tail on water" or "where brave warrior stop to pee," but actually these towns were named a couple of hundred years ago by French Canadian trappers who were shitfaced on hard cider. Notice the use of the Old French 'keag' which translates to 'keg' in English.

The following story is of course true and so heartwarming you'd think it was fiction.



— Ed?

— Yes, Margaret.

— Mom called this afternoon.

— How are things in the town that time forgot?

— Pretty weird. It appears that someone has been stealing mail.

— That's seriously against the law, isn't it?

— You bet, the State Police and the Postal Inspectors have been all over the town.

— Yeah, that took about five minutes.

— Oh, Ed, I don't know what you're always so down on the town.

— I suppose Calvin has got himself involved in this somehow.

— Well, as a matter of fact, he's one the people whose mail got stolen.

— Probably someone looking for Social Security checks.

— Well, that's the weird part. This has been going on for some time and they finally figured out that this person was only stealing bills.

— You mean like phone bills?

— Yes, but here's what's really strange. Whoever is stealing this stuff is paying the bills, lots of them, with postal money orders so they can't be traced.

— Gee, I wish we had crooks like that around here.

— Then they figured out that it was just happening to older folks. I guess that's why they included Calvin.

— So this is like some Good Samaritan paying the old folks heating bills.

— There doesn't seem to be any other explanation.

— Well hooray for that.

— I hope the find the guy whose doing it. It's not right stealing mail even for a good purpose.

— Oh come on Margaret, wouldn't you like someone to pay our bills?

— It's just like you Ed, always looking for something for nothing.